What I Need

At this point in my life, when I have no steady income or housing lined up for myself beginning in June, it can be easy to panic. To spend hours lying awake with possible scenarios scrambling around my head, planning, counting dollars, counting bills to pay.

But when I feel like I’m on too much of a treadmill of panic, I like to remind myself that I do have a lot of the things I need. Here are some of those things.

  • A job which currently pays my bills and allows me to save up money for the move.
  • A skill set which will allow me to find a job fairly easily after the move.
  • People around me who don’t mess with my head, gaslight me, or disrespect my autonomy.
  • Friends who don’t bully me or exclude me, but instead are finally teaching me what having a support network is like.
  • No religious system telling me what I can and can’t be under threat of hell.
  • Stacks of books, hundreds of books, full of knowledge and stories and interesting stuff.
  • A good education which is much more than a degree; it’s the understanding of how to interact with information in order to continue learning for my whole life.
  • A loving partner and a cat, making up a tiny family unit that I love being a part of.
    • My partner really does live up to being a partner, we share equally in the power dynamics and he never makes me feel lesser or tries to prevent me from doing things or thinks that I’m not entitled to my opinions. Plus when we disagree with each others’ opinions, it doesn’t ruin our relationship.
    • My cat is healthy, fairly young, and loves me with all the purrs of a cat who knows I’m the one person in the world she fully trusts.
  • Friends and partner’s family who are not going to let anything bad happen to me if they can help it.
  • The freedom to decide what I want to do in my life and then go out and get it.
  • A life that is interesting, with lots of stories to tell.
  • The knowledge, through experience, that I am capable of surviving a lot, including attempts to destroy my mind and personality, and of coming out stronger on the other side.
  • A base-line level of happiness and satisfaction in who I am and where I am in life.

Now of course, I might not always have all of these things. But everything on that list is either a fulfillment of my fondest wishes as a teenager (books and cat especially), or beyond my wildest fantasies. The lack of psychological duress and the presence of supportive, wonderful people is especially something that I never thought was possible.

For all the what-if’s, all the uncertainty, and on a political level all the things I want to change in the world, my life is full of things I need and never thought I would have. And that’s an extremely good feeling.

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